“Mutuality is the art of giving and receiving” (p.140). This was the line that needled me during my devotional reading. I think I do mutuality well. I know how to reciprocate and receive based on what I have given. It’s not the mutuality that trips me up; it’s grace. Grace is unmerited favor. It’s getting something you did not earn or ask for. Grace gives “just because.”
I give well but have a hard time receiving from people if I feel like I haven’t done anything to deserve it. Gifts “just because” no matter how small make me a little uncomfortable. It’s one of my little idiosyn-crazies. A person I only recently met bought me a seltzer and chips when we stopped at a little bakery before our meeting. I could hardly concentrate on the conversation because I was so messed up by the food. It was only like $2.50 worth of stuff but I kept thinking, “Why did she do that? I have money. Should I have accepted this?”
Funny thing is I do not have this problem with God, only people. I’m a practical person. I know there is no way possible for me to earn what God gives me. If I am to receive anything from the Lord, I have to accept God’s grace towards me. It’s the people who challenge me…
I think it has a lot to do with my upbringing. I am an adult child of an alcoholic so I did a lot, achieved a lot, excelled a lot in hopes that it and I would be good enough reasons for the drinking to stop. It didn’t but I got used to giving, kept on giving anyway. However, I never really learned how to receive. I stopped expecting things from people, especially the important stuff so now it’s hard for me to receive. There was a time when I could not receive at all. Now I do but everything in me feels uncomfortable, slightly off balance when I cannot seem to understand the connection between what I get and what I give. I’m beginning to explore why being me isn’t enough of a reason to receive something when it is usually the only reason I need to give to another. I am beginning to see how my inability to receive stunts the growth of the giver, because the giver needs a receiver. And I am realizing that I need to be a better receiver if I truly want to be in fellowship with other believers.
I think that most people feel more comfortable with either giving OR receiving. Which side do you lean on? Fellowship requires both. I want the fellowship!
Rev. Raquel (aka #1 Superguy but trying to become less “super”)
1 comment:
Great blog Doc, it certainly challenged me to think!
I'm a GIVER!!!
It's not that I don't like to receive it's simply that on many levels my natural inclination is to give! I give out of love, but at the same time I think I struggle to receive if it is not birthed out of that same love. So, I too find myself struggling not with unexpected gifts, but gifts from unexpected people. In my life I have pretty much become weary of the unexpected people phenomenon....lol...always wondering are these new people going to be the next people who hurt me! And I laugh at this ever present idea, because truthfully rarely is it the new people who bring me pain, but seemingly always the people with whom I am deeply connected through time and space.
My last point connects me to the part of the devotion that sucker punched me, "MERCY". The ironic thing about mercy for me is that I am willing to give out mercy by the boat load to people who I am only vaguely connected to, but mercy always gets harder for me the more invested I am in the relationship! (You think it would be the other way around) I guess when I am intimately connected to people the transgressions, mistakes, ABSENCES, and lies just always feel so personal. And so here's my question in the event that there are any brave takers...If I forgive (and I do), but refuse to trust (and I often do) then can I truly experience authentic fellowship with those people? Can forgiveness live without trust if we intend to still experience life together?
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